wake up chat

i'm very grateful to God for giving me such great friends, especially a friend whose initials is GP. yesterday i chatted with her on MSN and spilled some of my problems and worries, and she made me feel better inside. she proved to me that my previous post isn't entirely correct.

she made me realize that it doesnt matter, if we're not on top of our game, what matters is the effort we make, the endeavour climbing the ladder. she said that everyone is number one to oneself, and that we have to stop dreaming of being someone else and try to step into their world; we have to create our own world and try to live our own life to the fullest. at that moment, i realize how fortunate i am, being able to live a good and moderately wealthy life, and that i am not as little as i thought i was. there is nothing wrong with number two, or number three, or number four, we don't have to always be number 1, but we have to put on our best effort and we'll succeed somehow. there are still people that are less fortunate than i am, and I have to be thankful of what i've been given. it would surely be a sin to always grumble and moan about how unlucky i am and how meaningless i am whereas that is utterly untrue. God expects much from me, that's why He created me. I have to reciprocate for His blessings by leading a beneficial life for myself as well as others. this blog is actually a symbol of gratitude for my friend who had given me a wake-up chat. and also dedicated to you out there who are as lost as i am.

personal opinion: pain's the best guru

if you're sick of people complaining about life and not the type of a life-sucks person, STOP reading this. i dont want you to hate me. i dont need you to trash my blog, if you have an opinion, keep it to yourself but if you agree and you have something you want to point out, you are welcome (in terms that you agree). dont be a bitch. thank you.


i know life's all about the ups and downs and we have to deal with it like it or not, but i don't think life's being fair to me. As far as im concerned, everyday, i have to deal with depression and sadness, and pretend that I'm happy, because i dont like to draw attention and i dont think that people are genuinely interested in me or my life. and no one likes a mourner, so i wont bother making a scene and prompt people with deep long intimate talks while they just dont want to hear it. i dont want to make them fake their empathy while i know they judge me inside their hearts,i dont want to know how hypocritical my friends can be. i've learn that in this world, the only person you can count on is yourself. in my life, many people have hurt me, so i think those experiences have built some sort of defense mechanism by hurting other people, and better, hurting myself. i'm used to blame myself for everything, even things that don't really concern me. but that's how i live, if i dont blame myself, i dont know who else i should blame, and i just need to blame someone. it's hard to explain why, it just feels right for me. I'm the type of person that doesn't have the heart to blame others although it's they're fault, i'm afraid of being marked as the mean girl. i dont like people talk about me behind their backs. i dont like conflicts because if there ever were a fight, i believed that i would have nobody who would stand by me and i hate feeling alone. so you see, i have trust issues. it's very hard for me to trust others, i've been ket down, betrayed and deceived so many times. its a sort of habit i guess, to preconceive people and to have prejudices, and to close myself from whoever that is trying to reach me and to help me. I dont need help because i believe that there is no help for my tainted mind, my so called wrong opinions, thoughts and feelings. i know i sound stupid and irritatingly over dramatic but thats just how i feel. im not trying to exaggerate my oh so boring life, its not necessary, everyone knows already that it is. usually people feel alive when they're in love, or when they're thriving hard for success, the endeavor makes them feel alive, that hope of perfection keeps them high in spirit. however, i feel life by facing difficulties. i feel most happy when im faced with the little intangible devils named pain. pain really brings out all emotions in you; sadness and insecurity when it still occurs, relieve and joy when it has just been removed and fear of it coming back again when it has been remove for quite some time. after some time, you're gonna be used to pain. and everything will be okay, because whatever bad happens to you, you're gonna endure the pain it brings. if you can stand the worst, you can stand anything. learn from the worst, learn from pain, and you will survive by all means.